I met a dream one day.
It told me of the way
To perfect happiness.
It told me of the glory
That would become my story -
A future full of bliss.
I fell in love that day
With all it had to say.
My future looked so bright.
I gave my all to follow
What could be mine tomorrow.
I chased it day and night.
But then there came a day,
I felt I'd lost my way.
Where was this happiness?
I ran faster and faster,
But soon I sensed disaster -
A hole of emptiness.
I saw my dream one day.
It took my life away.
It wasn't what it seemed.
I thought it'd make me something,
But all my work meant nothing.
I broke up with my dream.
I met a man one day.
He said He was the way.
But how could this be bliss?
If I would give Him glory,
Then He would change my story
To one of happiness.
His love showed me the way.
He swept me up that day.
By grace I was redeemed.
I gave my all to follow,
Not caring for tomorrow.
The love became my dream.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Disappointed Again
God, I know your plans are amazing,
Better than what I have in mind.
Yet day by day my life is normal.
Disappointed again.
God, you promised me all your power,
More than in my wildest dreams.
Yet I keep having the same struggles.
Disappointed again.
God, you said my prayers would move mountains.
I could see your kingdom come.
Yet as I watch I see no difference.
Disappointed again.
God, I know at times you are waiting,
And sometimes I can't see your work.
But now I feel you might be moving.
Disappointed again.
Better than what I have in mind.
Yet day by day my life is normal.
Disappointed again.
God, you promised me all your power,
More than in my wildest dreams.
Yet I keep having the same struggles.
Disappointed again.
God, you said my prayers would move mountains.
I could see your kingdom come.
Yet as I watch I see no difference.
Disappointed again.
God, I know at times you are waiting,
And sometimes I can't see your work.
But now I feel you might be moving.
Disappointed again.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
His hand
Last night I was remembering an incident that happened on Sunday. I was sitting in church when I felt this hand on my shoulder. In my mind I saw this hand - strong but gentle, and very tanned - and I knew it was God. It was comforting, reassuring. I realized last night that when I imagine God's touch, I always imagine it coming from behind me. I imagine Him coming up behind me and hugging me. I feel Him at my back. That seemed odd to me until I remembered how I dealt with some of the children in Ghana. When I would guide them, I would stand behind them with my hands on their shoulders and manipulate them . I thought about how when I imagine God in front of me, I have to follow Him. It puts the burden on me to move myself after Him, which is against everything God has been showing me lately. But now, I see Him in front of me, but feel Him behind me guiding me as I follow. I thought "behind and before" - that sounds like a Bible verse. So this morning I looked it up.
You hem me in - behind and before,
you have laid your hand upon me.
-Psalm 139:5
I expected the first line, but the second line took me off guard.
You hem me in - behind and before,
you have laid your hand upon me.
-Psalm 139:5
I expected the first line, but the second line took me off guard.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
My Dreams
All my poems seem to be centering around a main theme lately.
God, why are you waiting?
It's such a tiny chore
For you to feed this little boy.
But you want so much more.
My dreams are not too big, but too small.
God, I know you're able.
You just don't seem to move,
To heal this girl with crippled feet.
But yet again you prove,
My dreams are not too big, but too small.
God, where is your power?
You don't follow my plan.
My enemies are closing in.
So you became a man.
My dreams are not too big, but too small.
My God my King, my Lord, conquered all.
God, why are you waiting?
It's such a tiny chore
For you to feed this little boy.
But you want so much more.
My dreams are not too big, but too small.
God, I know you're able.
You just don't seem to move,
To heal this girl with crippled feet.
But yet again you prove,
My dreams are not too big, but too small.
God, where is your power?
You don't follow my plan.
My enemies are closing in.
So you became a man.
My dreams are not too big, but too small.
My God my King, my Lord, conquered all.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Lord, You are Awesome
Dancing with Jesus,
Swirling around.
Here in this moment my joy knows no bounds.
Lord, You are awesome.
Walking with Jesus,
Holding His hand.
Despite shoving crowds I'm in the Promised Land.
Lord, You are awesome.
Sitting with Jesus,
Snuggling tight.
Knowing there's nothing that He can't make right.
Lord, You are awesome.
Sleeping with Jesus,
Calm and serene.
Arms hold me tight as I slip into dreams.
Lord, You are awesome.
Swirling around.
Here in this moment my joy knows no bounds.
Lord, You are awesome.
Walking with Jesus,
Holding His hand.
Despite shoving crowds I'm in the Promised Land.
Lord, You are awesome.
Sitting with Jesus,
Snuggling tight.
Knowing there's nothing that He can't make right.
Lord, You are awesome.
Sleeping with Jesus,
Calm and serene.
Arms hold me tight as I slip into dreams.
Lord, You are awesome.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Standing
I was thinking - about two years ago God showed me Ephesians 6:13, which talks about having the full armor of God so I can "stand." I thought the point of that verse was that we don't have to go on the offensive but stand in defense. To someone exhausted from living a life that felt like climbing a glass wall, the thought of merely standing instead of continuing to climb was a great relief. Until now I've interpreted that verse as an order to merely obey no matter how I feel, and let the results come. I've done this by reading my Bible when I'm tired or praying when I feel like I'm talking to empty space. I thought it was a call to stick with things long-term, which is something my impatient and impulsive nature struggles with. I got through Ghana by telling myself to "stand" when I wanted to stay in bed instead of go to the orphanage. [That's where the poem "Stand" came from, though now that I reread it I realize that God was speaking to me through it, and I didn't understand it at all! Interesting.]
But now God is showing me that I've missed something. Ephesians 6:10 says to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." the whole passage talks about the tools God has given me to carry out His instructions - truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and His word. Notice that all these tools are things I can't do anything to acquire on my own. They all speak of God's character, something I can only understand by communing with Him. I need a revelation of His presence to allow Him to infuse me with this armor and help me use it.
When I put this concept together with my desire to be God's tree, things start to make more sense. God is calling me to a battle, but He's given me every tool I need to fight. All I need to do is to take advantage of them. If I allow myself to be broken before God, He will take the outdated and rusted weapons I'm trying to use and give me all of His power.
So where does the standing part come in? It sounds like God is giving me His power to attack with the knowledge that the outcome is sure. I think the problem is that though I acknowledge that I want to give everything to Him, it's hard to stay in that place. Any little thing happens, and I'm ready to take control again. I get impatient. I get nervous. I disagree with the way the battle's being fought. But the minute I try to take back some control, I lose the power.
I think standing doesn't mean obeying, because that's still trying to operate in my own strength. I think it has to do with resisting the attack of the enemy as he tells me my way is better. There's nothing more scary to the powers of darkness than a soul completely surrendered to Christ, because that's where I have the power to fight. To me, standing means constantly choosing to lie prostrate at the feet of the one standing for me, and not getting up no matter how I feel.
I never realized not doing anything could be so hard. But you know what? God even gives me the power to do that! Those weapons aren't just the power I need to fight for other people or the fate of the world. They contain the power I need to never get up.
But now God is showing me that I've missed something. Ephesians 6:10 says to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." the whole passage talks about the tools God has given me to carry out His instructions - truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and His word. Notice that all these tools are things I can't do anything to acquire on my own. They all speak of God's character, something I can only understand by communing with Him. I need a revelation of His presence to allow Him to infuse me with this armor and help me use it.
When I put this concept together with my desire to be God's tree, things start to make more sense. God is calling me to a battle, but He's given me every tool I need to fight. All I need to do is to take advantage of them. If I allow myself to be broken before God, He will take the outdated and rusted weapons I'm trying to use and give me all of His power.
So where does the standing part come in? It sounds like God is giving me His power to attack with the knowledge that the outcome is sure. I think the problem is that though I acknowledge that I want to give everything to Him, it's hard to stay in that place. Any little thing happens, and I'm ready to take control again. I get impatient. I get nervous. I disagree with the way the battle's being fought. But the minute I try to take back some control, I lose the power.
I think standing doesn't mean obeying, because that's still trying to operate in my own strength. I think it has to do with resisting the attack of the enemy as he tells me my way is better. There's nothing more scary to the powers of darkness than a soul completely surrendered to Christ, because that's where I have the power to fight. To me, standing means constantly choosing to lie prostrate at the feet of the one standing for me, and not getting up no matter how I feel.
I never realized not doing anything could be so hard. But you know what? God even gives me the power to do that! Those weapons aren't just the power I need to fight for other people or the fate of the world. They contain the power I need to never get up.
Love
I was thinking about how I've been seeing that the love of God is EVERYTHING. However, I often say that with reservation, because I feel like I'll sound like those warm-fuzzy people who believe that God would never tell anyone that what they were doing was wrong if it made them feel good, would never send someone to hell, etc. The kind of people whose faith is dramatically shaken if a natural disaster strikes or if God doesn't do what they want. Suddenly you hear, "How could a loving God allow such and such to happen?"
I've always answered such people by telling them that our concept of love is so different from God's. We know that He's loving, but sometimes our definition of love doesn't match His. But just like my last post, sometimes I feel we Christians use that as a cop-out, because we really don't understand how a loving God could have allowed the Holocaust, or Katrina, or the tsunami. Then I realized for me to think that way, I haven't read my Bible well.
It's easy to see how a loving God delivered His people out of Egypt and completely destroyed their enemies. But that same loving God allowed them to be enslaved for 400 years. What was up with that? A loving God found a man after His own heart and made him king over Israel, ushering in a golden era for them. But that same loving God allowed that man to have to flee for his life for ten years. A loving God wanted so desperately to make a way for us to be with Him, but he allowed His Son to sacrifice Himself in the most unspeakable torture imaginable to accomplish this task. If I cling to the world's definition of love, how can i look at these contradictions and have any faith left in a "loving God?"
I think the answer lies in the fact that the Bible covers over 6000 years of time, while we live in a moment. When a little girl lives in a fairy tale, she often dreams of the handsome prince and the beautiful palace. But most of the time, those things come at the end of the story. Snow White was kicked out of her home and forced to live in a cottage that couldn't have had the conveniences she was used to. Cinderella worked for years before she got her big break. But discounting exceptions such as "A Little Princess," girls like to dream of the happy ending.
I think we Christians can approach the Bible the same way. We see the happy endings, but don't like to think about the journey. But there's so much more to the Bible than a fairy tale, because the story's not done. We are living in that story, adding on to it. What the Bible shows us is a picture of the journey we all go through, and that journey has ups and downs. It's supposed to show us that whether things are going well or poorly, the hand of God is controlling it all. And though we don't have the capacity to understand how all the events in the Bible were loving, God showed us enough of the outcome for us to realize that He orchestrated everything for His good purpose out of His great love for mankind. Just like the people in the Bible, we might have times of a "happy ending," where we feel God is finally acting like we think He should. But again, just like those in the Bible, the journey continues.
God's not just in the "happy ending." He's in every moment. And though I might not always understand how, I can look at the lives of those who have gone before me and see that He is love.
I've always answered such people by telling them that our concept of love is so different from God's. We know that He's loving, but sometimes our definition of love doesn't match His. But just like my last post, sometimes I feel we Christians use that as a cop-out, because we really don't understand how a loving God could have allowed the Holocaust, or Katrina, or the tsunami. Then I realized for me to think that way, I haven't read my Bible well.
It's easy to see how a loving God delivered His people out of Egypt and completely destroyed their enemies. But that same loving God allowed them to be enslaved for 400 years. What was up with that? A loving God found a man after His own heart and made him king over Israel, ushering in a golden era for them. But that same loving God allowed that man to have to flee for his life for ten years. A loving God wanted so desperately to make a way for us to be with Him, but he allowed His Son to sacrifice Himself in the most unspeakable torture imaginable to accomplish this task. If I cling to the world's definition of love, how can i look at these contradictions and have any faith left in a "loving God?"
I think the answer lies in the fact that the Bible covers over 6000 years of time, while we live in a moment. When a little girl lives in a fairy tale, she often dreams of the handsome prince and the beautiful palace. But most of the time, those things come at the end of the story. Snow White was kicked out of her home and forced to live in a cottage that couldn't have had the conveniences she was used to. Cinderella worked for years before she got her big break. But discounting exceptions such as "A Little Princess," girls like to dream of the happy ending.
I think we Christians can approach the Bible the same way. We see the happy endings, but don't like to think about the journey. But there's so much more to the Bible than a fairy tale, because the story's not done. We are living in that story, adding on to it. What the Bible shows us is a picture of the journey we all go through, and that journey has ups and downs. It's supposed to show us that whether things are going well or poorly, the hand of God is controlling it all. And though we don't have the capacity to understand how all the events in the Bible were loving, God showed us enough of the outcome for us to realize that He orchestrated everything for His good purpose out of His great love for mankind. Just like the people in the Bible, we might have times of a "happy ending," where we feel God is finally acting like we think He should. But again, just like those in the Bible, the journey continues.
God's not just in the "happy ending." He's in every moment. And though I might not always understand how, I can look at the lives of those who have gone before me and see that He is love.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Cop-Out?
It's so easy to take my revelation [see "Greater than These"] and make it a cop-out for God. "Well," I catch myself thinking, that's why I'm not seeing healings. God's working on saving lives." But implied in that statement is a justification for why He's not healing when I wish He would. The opposite is true. A saved life is far better than a healed body. God is accomplishing something far more powerful and good than I could possibly imagine, and He does it every day.
But there's even more. When God touches people, He often heals their body as well. Stress and stress-related ailments melt away. Chronic pains lift. Peace cures a variety of physical problems. The healing is a manifestation of the cure, and it's not wrong to expect those as well. It's just important to keep things in perspective.
My revelation isn't an excuse for me to decide God's working even though I don't see His power. It's a call to get down on my knees and pray for the right miracles - the ones that will permanently change the destiny of man, not merely make him feel good.
But there's even more. When God touches people, He often heals their body as well. Stress and stress-related ailments melt away. Chronic pains lift. Peace cures a variety of physical problems. The healing is a manifestation of the cure, and it's not wrong to expect those as well. It's just important to keep things in perspective.
My revelation isn't an excuse for me to decide God's working even though I don't see His power. It's a call to get down on my knees and pray for the right miracles - the ones that will permanently change the destiny of man, not merely make him feel good.
Summary
Ok, it's blog day, but I published everything else I did today to set the stage for this. It's kind of a summary of the processing I've been doing lately. Keep in mind that this post will probably make it seem pretty bleak, but I'm only telling one facet of my experience - the part with the orphans. And I'm not even telling too much about the good times with the kids, because that's not my focus here. Just don't want you to get the wrong impression. Four months is a long time and a lot happened.
God called me to Ghana to minister to orphans. I had been feeling this call for years, and He had finally opened the door for me to respond. But when I got there, I realized that nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced. I saw kids in desperate need of the basic necessities of life. Sometimes there weren't even enough diapers for the babies. The home was terribly understaffed, which meant that children who were supposed to have a mother and father devoted to them might have to share one woman with fifteen other children. Sometimes when donations were poor the children wouldn't have enough food. [See "Dying to Self" for more details about the conditions.] I became obsessed with trying to help these children. Though there was no way I could buy food for everyone, I wanted to give them the food they could have, change their diapers, and try to make their life a little better.
However, I soon became exhausted and depressed. What happened to Evan [see post about him] didn't help things, but even if that hadn't happened things weren't going well. I felt I just couldn't stand the pain around me, and instead of making a difference, I felt myself starting to shut everything out. I didn't want to go to the orphanage - it was only sheer obedience to God that kept me going. When I went, sometimes I felt better as I interacted with the kids, but more often I felt I just couldn't stand it and couldn't wait to get out of there. What made it worse was hot tired I felt. I blamed the tiredness on depression, but it was really debilitating. I prayed to God to renew my strength - I wanted to help those kids - but I felt no answer. Most days all I could do was hold them and sing to them to try to stop them from crying.
When it was time to leave, my heart broke at the thought of leaving them behind no better than when I had come, but at the same time I just wanted to go home. Funny that I don't think I learned much while I was over there, but I've learned a ton since I've been back as I've been processing and praying. It turned out that I was really infested with parasites for three of the four months I was there, which contributed to my extreme weakness, but that fact doesn't change what I've learned... It just gave me the time to process as I recovered.
What I've Learned:
1) I responded to God's call, but I went in my own strength. My attitude was something like, "God, thank you for saving me. Now aren't you glad I'm on Your team? I want to serve You. Look at what I'm going to do for you!" Right. I was fulfilling my own desire to help people, not God's. I was thinking about what I wanted to do for them so that my heart would no longer ache for them. [see "It's Not About What I Want"]
When my strength ran out, when my capacity to love failed me, I got upset that God wasn't helping me. I didn't understand that I was looking to God for a drink of normal water (see John 4 - woman at the well) instead of letting HIs living water fill me to overflowing. His living water would never have run dry. I wanted Him to give me my strength and my love back. He wanted to give me His. [see "Sick of Second Chances"] It was so hard for me to grasp that I needed to focus on my relationship with Him. I didn't see ow sitting and receiving His love could help alleviate the suffering I saw.
Now I see that it was the only way, because I needed something to give. [see "Dua Fe" and "Run by Standing Still"]
2) I got frustrated because I didn't see how anything I did was making a long-term difference. You feed a kid and they'll be hungry again. A sick kid gets better to face what kind of life? There was so much hopelessness, and I didn't see any way out. I thought my faith was wavering because I didn't see how God could possibly do anything. I had no idea that I was asking too little. I wanted to feed these kids - God wanted them to know they had a Father. I wanted to save lives - God wanted to bring life into their existence. [see "Greater than These" and "Fatherless"]
I was asking God for the perishable. God wanted to give them His living water.
3) Despite my attempts to get in the way, in His incredible mercy God still used me. Remember how I said all I could do a lot was sit and sing to them? I thought I was failing, but in those moments God was using me to pour His life and love into them. I am so filled with awe and gratitude when I think about how He allowed me to be a part of His plan even when I messed everything up
It's not about me, it's about Him. I will never be "good enough" for Him to use, but He uses anything He can get!
The Result:
I pray for myself, and I pray for those kids. I pray that I would remain broken before Him so He can fill me with His life and make me His tree. And I pray that those ids would know their Father. I care that they get fed, but I know their Father will take care of those details. He loves them more than I do.
God called me to Ghana to minister to orphans. I had been feeling this call for years, and He had finally opened the door for me to respond. But when I got there, I realized that nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced. I saw kids in desperate need of the basic necessities of life. Sometimes there weren't even enough diapers for the babies. The home was terribly understaffed, which meant that children who were supposed to have a mother and father devoted to them might have to share one woman with fifteen other children. Sometimes when donations were poor the children wouldn't have enough food. [See "Dying to Self" for more details about the conditions.] I became obsessed with trying to help these children. Though there was no way I could buy food for everyone, I wanted to give them the food they could have, change their diapers, and try to make their life a little better.
However, I soon became exhausted and depressed. What happened to Evan [see post about him] didn't help things, but even if that hadn't happened things weren't going well. I felt I just couldn't stand the pain around me, and instead of making a difference, I felt myself starting to shut everything out. I didn't want to go to the orphanage - it was only sheer obedience to God that kept me going. When I went, sometimes I felt better as I interacted with the kids, but more often I felt I just couldn't stand it and couldn't wait to get out of there. What made it worse was hot tired I felt. I blamed the tiredness on depression, but it was really debilitating. I prayed to God to renew my strength - I wanted to help those kids - but I felt no answer. Most days all I could do was hold them and sing to them to try to stop them from crying.
When it was time to leave, my heart broke at the thought of leaving them behind no better than when I had come, but at the same time I just wanted to go home. Funny that I don't think I learned much while I was over there, but I've learned a ton since I've been back as I've been processing and praying. It turned out that I was really infested with parasites for three of the four months I was there, which contributed to my extreme weakness, but that fact doesn't change what I've learned... It just gave me the time to process as I recovered.
What I've Learned:
1) I responded to God's call, but I went in my own strength. My attitude was something like, "God, thank you for saving me. Now aren't you glad I'm on Your team? I want to serve You. Look at what I'm going to do for you!" Right. I was fulfilling my own desire to help people, not God's. I was thinking about what I wanted to do for them so that my heart would no longer ache for them. [see "It's Not About What I Want"]
When my strength ran out, when my capacity to love failed me, I got upset that God wasn't helping me. I didn't understand that I was looking to God for a drink of normal water (see John 4 - woman at the well) instead of letting HIs living water fill me to overflowing. His living water would never have run dry. I wanted Him to give me my strength and my love back. He wanted to give me His. [see "Sick of Second Chances"] It was so hard for me to grasp that I needed to focus on my relationship with Him. I didn't see ow sitting and receiving His love could help alleviate the suffering I saw.
Now I see that it was the only way, because I needed something to give. [see "Dua Fe" and "Run by Standing Still"]
2) I got frustrated because I didn't see how anything I did was making a long-term difference. You feed a kid and they'll be hungry again. A sick kid gets better to face what kind of life? There was so much hopelessness, and I didn't see any way out. I thought my faith was wavering because I didn't see how God could possibly do anything. I had no idea that I was asking too little. I wanted to feed these kids - God wanted them to know they had a Father. I wanted to save lives - God wanted to bring life into their existence. [see "Greater than These" and "Fatherless"]
I was asking God for the perishable. God wanted to give them His living water.
3) Despite my attempts to get in the way, in His incredible mercy God still used me. Remember how I said all I could do a lot was sit and sing to them? I thought I was failing, but in those moments God was using me to pour His life and love into them. I am so filled with awe and gratitude when I think about how He allowed me to be a part of His plan even when I messed everything up
It's not about me, it's about Him. I will never be "good enough" for Him to use, but He uses anything He can get!
The Result:
I pray for myself, and I pray for those kids. I pray that I would remain broken before Him so He can fill me with His life and make me His tree. And I pray that those ids would know their Father. I care that they get fed, but I know their Father will take care of those details. He loves them more than I do.
Dying to Self
This is an excerpt from an email I wrote while having a particularly bad day in Ghana. It helps show what conditions were like there. It puts dying to self in a new perspective.
I want to come home. I can handle everything else I've had to put up
with, but I can't handle this. Imagine you're trying to feed a child
(not Evan, he's doing tons better and eating much faster) who has
trouble swallowing because she has some musculoskeletal disorder.
You know (lucky guess) that since you've never fed her before,
chances are very good the only feeding method she's ever known is the
"tip head back as far as it will go until mouth pops open and pour it
in" approach, which causes her to maybe get a quarter of the food.
So you're painstakingly giving her a sip at a time and note that as
she gets used to this incredibly innovative method that she becomes
very excited and really starts to enjoy a procedure she usually
screams through. Now, imagine while your left hand is aching from
holding up her sweaty head (it keeps slipping), you notice a
cockroach crawling around the crib where she's sitting. You've seen
cockroaches before and been ok, but this one won't go away. It would
be impossible to shoo it away because your hands are occupied in a
delecate balance - it's not like there's any convenient surface to
set anything down on nearby. Never mind the fact that there's a
cockroach in the bed, however, because you then notice that in the
window on the far wall there are about twenty rats. You've seen one
in that area a couple of times, but never this. Then you hear a
crash and rustling and squeaking from the window two inches from
where you are precariously positioned. Note that all along you've
been incredibly aware that when you see any critter or rodent that if
you react as if anything is amiss, the kids that have to live here
might start to be upset by them, so you've gotten very good at hiding
how you feel.
That's setting the scene. I'm sorry. I dropped the kid and screamed.
I want to come home. I can handle everything else I've had to put up
with, but I can't handle this. Imagine you're trying to feed a child
(not Evan, he's doing tons better and eating much faster) who has
trouble swallowing because she has some musculoskeletal disorder.
You know (lucky guess) that since you've never fed her before,
chances are very good the only feeding method she's ever known is the
"tip head back as far as it will go until mouth pops open and pour it
in" approach, which causes her to maybe get a quarter of the food.
So you're painstakingly giving her a sip at a time and note that as
she gets used to this incredibly innovative method that she becomes
very excited and really starts to enjoy a procedure she usually
screams through. Now, imagine while your left hand is aching from
holding up her sweaty head (it keeps slipping), you notice a
cockroach crawling around the crib where she's sitting. You've seen
cockroaches before and been ok, but this one won't go away. It would
be impossible to shoo it away because your hands are occupied in a
delecate balance - it's not like there's any convenient surface to
set anything down on nearby. Never mind the fact that there's a
cockroach in the bed, however, because you then notice that in the
window on the far wall there are about twenty rats. You've seen one
in that area a couple of times, but never this. Then you hear a
crash and rustling and squeaking from the window two inches from
where you are precariously positioned. Note that all along you've
been incredibly aware that when you see any critter or rodent that if
you react as if anything is amiss, the kids that have to live here
might start to be upset by them, so you've gotten very good at hiding
how you feel.
That's setting the scene. I'm sorry. I dropped the kid and screamed.
Poems
I felt the need to put up all the poems I wrote in Ghana or the ones inspired by what I experienced in Ghana. I hope they mean something to someone. I published them in chronological order, so the most recent appears last.
Love Means...
Love doesn't feel good.
Love means not giving me what I desperately want to spare me from the pain of having it.
Love means watching me suffer to save me from destroying myself.
Love means getting rid of everything that separates us so that I can be satisfied.
Love means beatings and curses and giving everything He has so that He can be with me, and allowing me to go through the same thing to bring me closer.
Love means a cross.
Love is Good.
Love is Everything.
Love means not giving me what I desperately want to spare me from the pain of having it.
Love means watching me suffer to save me from destroying myself.
Love means getting rid of everything that separates us so that I can be satisfied.
Love means beatings and curses and giving everything He has so that He can be with me, and allowing me to go through the same thing to bring me closer.
Love means a cross.
Love is Good.
Love is Everything.
Run By Standing Still
I want to work for Jesus,
Bring glory to his name.
I beat my body half to death,
To serve the blind and lame.
But...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
Why do I come up empty?
I'm following His call.
he said He'd make a way for me,
When I gave Him my all.
But...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
He says I'm out of focus
By running all around.
But how can working be so wrong?
I want to free the bound.
But...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
It's great I want to serve Him.
It's easy not to see,
He longs to hold me in His arms
And spend the day with me.
See...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
I serve a loving Father.
One day I'll understand
How He can reach a dying world
Through such nonsense commands.
Like...
Just love by being loved
And run faster standing still.
Bring glory to his name.
I beat my body half to death,
To serve the blind and lame.
But...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
Why do I come up empty?
I'm following His call.
he said He'd make a way for me,
When I gave Him my all.
But...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
He says I'm out of focus
By running all around.
But how can working be so wrong?
I want to free the bound.
But...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
It's great I want to serve Him.
It's easy not to see,
He longs to hold me in His arms
And spend the day with me.
See...
I love by being loved.
I run faster standing still.
I serve a loving Father.
One day I'll understand
How He can reach a dying world
Through such nonsense commands.
Like...
Just love by being loved
And run faster standing still.
Hunger Has A Name
Hunger has a name,
And hunger has a face.
Hunger has a hand that gropes
Around a barren place.
Hunger has a name,
And hunger has a look.
Hunger has a voice that calls
From some abandoned nook.
Hunger has a name,
And hunger has a soul.
Hunger has two arms that ache
From holding out a bowl.
Hunger has a name,
But hunger's not alone.
Hunger has the eyes to see
Fat men with hearts of stone.
And hunger has a face.
Hunger has a hand that gropes
Around a barren place.
Hunger has a name,
And hunger has a look.
Hunger has a voice that calls
From some abandoned nook.
Hunger has a name,
And hunger has a soul.
Hunger has two arms that ache
From holding out a bowl.
Hunger has a name,
But hunger's not alone.
Hunger has the eyes to see
Fat men with hearts of stone.
It's Not About What I Want
I want to raise the name of Jesus higher
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to show the world God's Holy fire
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I want to buy some groceries for a widow
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to wipe the tears of those who sorrow
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I'm thankful for my weakness for
I have nothing to prove.
I'm thankful for my helplessness.
God gets the chance to move.
See, it's all about the people, and
It's all about the lost.
It's all about their need to know
God's mercy at the cross.
I want to take the lonely out to dinner
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to show forgiveness to a sinner
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I want to reach a world that has gone wild
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to wrap my arms around a child
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I'm thankful for my weakness for
I have nothing to prove.
I'm thankful for my helplessness.
God gets the chance to move.
See, it's all about the Savior, and
It's all about the plan.
It's all about His love for us.
For God became a man.
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to show the world God's Holy fire
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I want to buy some groceries for a widow
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to wipe the tears of those who sorrow
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I'm thankful for my weakness for
I have nothing to prove.
I'm thankful for my helplessness.
God gets the chance to move.
See, it's all about the people, and
It's all about the lost.
It's all about their need to know
God's mercy at the cross.
I want to take the lonely out to dinner
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to show forgiveness to a sinner
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I want to reach a world that has gone wild
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
I want to wrap my arms around a child
but my arms keep getting wrapped around myself.
It's not about what I want.
I'm thankful for my weakness for
I have nothing to prove.
I'm thankful for my helplessness.
God gets the chance to move.
See, it's all about the Savior, and
It's all about the plan.
It's all about His love for us.
For God became a man.
Peter, Do You Love Me?
Peter, do you love me?
Of course, you know I do.
Peter, do you love me?
I gave it all for you.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I know you are the Lord.
Peter, do you love me?
I'll follow with a sword.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'm ready, lead the fight!
Peter, do you love me?
You'll make our future bright.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'll never run away.
Peter, do you love me?
When others would betray.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I never knew the man.
Peter, do you love me?
I swear, you understand?
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'm drowning in my shame.
Peter, do you love me?
I'll never be the same.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
My Lord's alive today!
Peter, do you love me?
The Truth, the Life, the Way!
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Of course, you know I do.
Peter, do you love me?
I want to think it's true.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Lord, I was so wrong.
Peter, do you love me?
You knew it all along.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Whatever you should say.
Peter, do you love me?
With your help, I'll obey.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'll wait for forty days.
Peter, do you love me?
I'll walk with you always.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'll die a martyr's death.
Peter, do you love me?
Proclaim with my last breath,
My Lord, I'll always love you.
My king, I'll always love you.
You know I'll always love you.
Of course, you know I do.
Peter, do you love me?
I gave it all for you.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I know you are the Lord.
Peter, do you love me?
I'll follow with a sword.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'm ready, lead the fight!
Peter, do you love me?
You'll make our future bright.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'll never run away.
Peter, do you love me?
When others would betray.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I never knew the man.
Peter, do you love me?
I swear, you understand?
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'm drowning in my shame.
Peter, do you love me?
I'll never be the same.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
My Lord's alive today!
Peter, do you love me?
The Truth, the Life, the Way!
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Of course, you know I do.
Peter, do you love me?
I want to think it's true.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Lord, I was so wrong.
Peter, do you love me?
You knew it all along.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Whatever you should say.
Peter, do you love me?
With your help, I'll obey.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'll wait for forty days.
Peter, do you love me?
I'll walk with you always.
But Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
Peter, do you love me?
I'll die a martyr's death.
Peter, do you love me?
Proclaim with my last breath,
My Lord, I'll always love you.
My king, I'll always love you.
You know I'll always love you.
Stand
Stand -
When your heart is breaking.
Stand -
When your world is shaking.
Stand -
Believe in what
You know already to be true.
Stand -
When the bad is winning.
Stand -
When you feel like sinning.
Stand -
Just trust the word
That God will not abandon you.
How do you stand? By leaning -
You lean upon His grace.
How do you stand? By resting -
You rest in His embrace.
Stand -
When you have no reason.
Stand -
In your driest season.
Stand -
I'm telling you
My God will never let you down.
Stand -
In the hopeless places.
Stand -
Come and sing is praises.
Stand -
Remember that
He's waiting for you with a crown.
How do you stand? By leaning -
You lean upon His grace.
How do you stand? By resting -
You rest in His embrace.
Stand -
For the children crying
Stand -
There's a world that's dying
Stand -
He'll give you strength.
Now with His joy begin to sing.
Stand -
In eternal glory.
Stand -
With a God who's holy.
Stand -
Forever be
With Christ your everlasting king.
How do you stand? By leaning -
You lean upon His grace.
How do you stand? By resting -
You rest in His embrace.
When your heart is breaking.
Stand -
When your world is shaking.
Stand -
Believe in what
You know already to be true.
Stand -
When the bad is winning.
Stand -
When you feel like sinning.
Stand -
Just trust the word
That God will not abandon you.
How do you stand? By leaning -
You lean upon His grace.
How do you stand? By resting -
You rest in His embrace.
Stand -
When you have no reason.
Stand -
In your driest season.
Stand -
I'm telling you
My God will never let you down.
Stand -
In the hopeless places.
Stand -
Come and sing is praises.
Stand -
Remember that
He's waiting for you with a crown.
How do you stand? By leaning -
You lean upon His grace.
How do you stand? By resting -
You rest in His embrace.
Stand -
For the children crying
Stand -
There's a world that's dying
Stand -
He'll give you strength.
Now with His joy begin to sing.
Stand -
In eternal glory.
Stand -
With a God who's holy.
Stand -
Forever be
With Christ your everlasting king.
How do you stand? By leaning -
You lean upon His grace.
How do you stand? By resting -
You rest in His embrace.
Sick of Second Chances
I'm sick of second chances.
I'm tired of the fight.
I want to conquer,
Fail no longer,
One day get it right.
I'm sick of your forgiveness.
Why can't I stop this sin?
I hate confession,
Want to rest in,
Knowing I can win.
I'm sick of new beginnings.
They mean I've made a mess
Of my assignment.
Why the constant
Failure to progress?
I'm sick of needing mercy.
I'd rather work alone,
And prove that I could,
Do some great good
Working on my own.
I'm tired of the fight.
I want to conquer,
Fail no longer,
One day get it right.
I'm sick of your forgiveness.
Why can't I stop this sin?
I hate confession,
Want to rest in,
Knowing I can win.
I'm sick of new beginnings.
They mean I've made a mess
Of my assignment.
Why the constant
Failure to progress?
I'm sick of needing mercy.
I'd rather work alone,
And prove that I could,
Do some great good
Working on my own.
I Love You
Your anxious thoughts won't quiet,
And your tired brain won't stop
Processing the wrongs you did that day.
I look at you and wish you'd hear me say,
I love you
You dwell on jobs unfinished
And determine to do more,
Swearing you will work with greater zeal.
I shake my head and wish that you could feel,
I love you
You replay all your failures,
And you relive each misstep,
Forcing you to wallow in your shame.
I reach for you and softly breathe your name.
I love you
Each sin you want to conquer,
And each soul you want to save,
Trying to do every job you see.
I wait for you to simply walk with me.
I love you.
I'm pleased by your devotion,
But I fear you've missed the point,
Thinking that I need the work you've done.
I didn't want a servant but a son.
I love you.
Let my love fuel your movements.
Let love shine in your eyes.
Allowing me to touch a world through you.
I smile at you and send you life anew.
I love you.
And your tired brain won't stop
Processing the wrongs you did that day.
I look at you and wish you'd hear me say,
I love you
You dwell on jobs unfinished
And determine to do more,
Swearing you will work with greater zeal.
I shake my head and wish that you could feel,
I love you
You replay all your failures,
And you relive each misstep,
Forcing you to wallow in your shame.
I reach for you and softly breathe your name.
I love you
Each sin you want to conquer,
And each soul you want to save,
Trying to do every job you see.
I wait for you to simply walk with me.
I love you.
I'm pleased by your devotion,
But I fear you've missed the point,
Thinking that I need the work you've done.
I didn't want a servant but a son.
I love you.
Let my love fuel your movements.
Let love shine in your eyes.
Allowing me to touch a world through you.
I smile at you and send you life anew.
I love you.
Will You Love Me?
Will you love me when you're crazy?
Will you love me when you're not?
Will you love me when you don't enjoy
The gifts that I have brought?
Will you love me when you're lonely?
Will you love me with your friends?
Will you love me when I take you through
Life's twists and turns and bends?
Will you love me when you're tired?
Will you love me when you're mad?
Will you love me through the thousandth time,
Of giving all you had?
Do my whispers make you smile?
Do my gestures make you laugh?
Do you see me every single time
You walk a peaceful path?
I said, “It won't be easy.”
I said that life is hard.
But I said that I'd be with you as
Your comforter and guard.
Will you love me through the glitter?
Will you love me with your wealth?
Will you look to me for sustenance,
When you're in perfect health?
Will you love me through your weeping?
Will you love me when you cry?
Will you run to me with heavy heart -
My arms are open wide.
Can you understand my doings?
Will you love me if you don't?
Will you trust me if you think that I
Should do it, but I won't?
Do my whispers make you smile?
Do my gestures make you laugh?
Do you see me every single time
You walk a peaceful path?
Will you love me when you're broken?
Will you love me through you're pain?
See, I love you from upon a cross,
And count your heart as gain.
Will you love me when you're not?
Will you love me when you don't enjoy
The gifts that I have brought?
Will you love me when you're lonely?
Will you love me with your friends?
Will you love me when I take you through
Life's twists and turns and bends?
Will you love me when you're tired?
Will you love me when you're mad?
Will you love me through the thousandth time,
Of giving all you had?
Do my whispers make you smile?
Do my gestures make you laugh?
Do you see me every single time
You walk a peaceful path?
I said, “It won't be easy.”
I said that life is hard.
But I said that I'd be with you as
Your comforter and guard.
Will you love me through the glitter?
Will you love me with your wealth?
Will you look to me for sustenance,
When you're in perfect health?
Will you love me through your weeping?
Will you love me when you cry?
Will you run to me with heavy heart -
My arms are open wide.
Can you understand my doings?
Will you love me if you don't?
Will you trust me if you think that I
Should do it, but I won't?
Do my whispers make you smile?
Do my gestures make you laugh?
Do you see me every single time
You walk a peaceful path?
Will you love me when you're broken?
Will you love me through you're pain?
See, I love you from upon a cross,
And count your heart as gain.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Language
When I was in Ghana, I was touched at how impressed people were when I said a simple word like "medaase" (thank you) in the local language of Twi. To me, thank you is one of the first expressions you learn in any language and shouldn't be too much of an accomplishment after living in a place for four months. The Ghanians disagreed. They told me that most people who had lived there for years hadn't learned how to speak a word of Twi because most Ghanians spoke enough English to get by. I was saddened by the attitude of people who forced a native people to speak another language instead of trying to learn the native language of the place they had chosen to call home. But even more, I was moved by how much it meant to a Ghanian that I had made an effort to learn even one word of Twi. They immediately felt I had accepted them and was willing to make a little bit of effort to get to know them. They showed me how important it is to communicate to someone in their own language.
I was just thinking - it is very rare to find a person who is completely fluent in a second language, to the point where they understand all the nuances and richness of that language. They might pretend they do and be able to understand enough that it would never occur to you that they sometimes wondered what you were talking about, but in most cases communication will never be the same. Then I thought about how in the Middle Ages all church services were conducted in Latin. I thought of people like William Tyndale who gave their life to the pursuit of translating the Scriptures into the language of the people. We can understand God's spirit even if we don't understand the language, but there's something about hearing about God in a way that we can understand on a very deep and personal level.
I'm so grateful that God speaks every language, and comes to us in a way we can intimately understand. He doesn't ask us to learn anything or go through any strict formulas to be able to get to Him - He bridges the gap.
I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with learning every language I can, because I want to be like Jesus and be the one to make the effort to communicate His love to the world.
I was just thinking - it is very rare to find a person who is completely fluent in a second language, to the point where they understand all the nuances and richness of that language. They might pretend they do and be able to understand enough that it would never occur to you that they sometimes wondered what you were talking about, but in most cases communication will never be the same. Then I thought about how in the Middle Ages all church services were conducted in Latin. I thought of people like William Tyndale who gave their life to the pursuit of translating the Scriptures into the language of the people. We can understand God's spirit even if we don't understand the language, but there's something about hearing about God in a way that we can understand on a very deep and personal level.
I'm so grateful that God speaks every language, and comes to us in a way we can intimately understand. He doesn't ask us to learn anything or go through any strict formulas to be able to get to Him - He bridges the gap.
I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with learning every language I can, because I want to be like Jesus and be the one to make the effort to communicate His love to the world.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Being Filled Up
For much of the time I was in Ghana, I felt totally drained. I cried out to God, asking for more strength and inspiration, not understanding why He wouldn't supply me with His strength when I ran out of my own. And He did refresh me when I called, but I had to get to the point where I was empty, which was a miserable feeling. Now, lets forget for a moment that I had been wrongly diagnosed and parasites were ravaging my intestines while I was being treated for malaria, because in a way that was not important. What was important was that my thinking was all backwards.
I operated on my own strength, and expected God to come in and save the day when I could do no more. Saying it that way, it seems obvious what my problem was, but I think it's a trap that's so easy for us all to fall into. We don't pour ourselves out and expect to be filled back up, we get filled up to the point where anything not of God automatically gets drained out - before we do anything. Then we have something worth pouring out. I believe with all my heart that if I had taken this approach, I would have never found myself empty and having to go to God for a refill, like God was a waiter being a little slow with that second cup of coffee. I would have found that the more I pour out God's love, the more was there, both for everyone around me and myself as well.
I operated on my own strength, and expected God to come in and save the day when I could do no more. Saying it that way, it seems obvious what my problem was, but I think it's a trap that's so easy for us all to fall into. We don't pour ourselves out and expect to be filled back up, we get filled up to the point where anything not of God automatically gets drained out - before we do anything. Then we have something worth pouring out. I believe with all my heart that if I had taken this approach, I would have never found myself empty and having to go to God for a refill, like God was a waiter being a little slow with that second cup of coffee. I would have found that the more I pour out God's love, the more was there, both for everyone around me and myself as well.
Effia
Effia had multiple sclorosis or something of the sort (no one was really sure.) She and another girl, Deborah, with a similar problem, liked to be taken outside to lie in the cool breezes. We would put mosquito nets over them to keep the flies away. Simple pleasures, simple pleasures. It didn't take much to make them happy.
A sign above her bed said she liked to be stroked on the face, which was true. We all thought it was a strange obsession of hers - when you stroked her cheek, she would give you the biggest smile or even giggle, no matter how upset she was. Then one day I happened to be wiping the drool from her face and she responded the same way. I realized the motion I had used was the same one people had used to stroke her cheek. Was this the same motion her mother had used when she had cared for her daughter? No one can know, but that's my theory.
We never know how a simple touch can change a life.
Kojo
Kojo has a brain tumor. The doctors there have told the orphanage they have done all they can do, and that he has less than a year to live (this was at least six months ago). But that's not entirely accurate. I learned from a British volunteer that he needs his head drained, a surgery that they do in the US and Britain, but not in countries like Ghana. If he had been adopted by a family in one of those two countries, his life could have been saved. Now it's probably even too late for any surgery in the world to do any good.
Over the time I was there I watched Kojo go from slightly blind to fully blind as the tumor grew, and watched seizures gradually take over his body until he was shaking all the time. His only crime was being born in the wrong country.
Feeding Kojo could be a trick sometimes. He would often push away the spoon as I touched it to his lips. We developed a little game where I would coax him to eat, saying "Kojo, di. Di. Di baako." (Kojo, eat. Eat. Eat just one spoonful). When he would, I would congratulate him with "Ieko!" which is used to congratulate someone who is working hard. The mothers used to laugh at my dramatics, but it was fun and it worked.
Kojo is one of the children I said goodbye to knowing that only through a miracle would I ever see them again alive.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Hilarious
Today I was telling the story of the most unusual Ghanian church service I attended. It was a small church where almost everyone was related. I came with my friend, the nephew of the pastor.
The sermon was about "marriage problems," which I very quickly realized meant singleness. Considering that most of the people there were my age, I'm sure the topic was relevant, and considering they were all related, I'm sure it was a problem trying to find that perfect someone in church. However, the pastor had an interesting take on the matter. According to him, we were supposed to pray about the person we were interested in right before bed. Then if we went to bed and dreamt about that person, that was the devil trying to fool us into thinking God wanted us to marry them. But if we saw fruit in our dream, that meant our marriage would be fruitful! I'm sorry, I thought that was the most hilarious thing I'd ever heard. For the rest of the time in Ghana, I was making fruit jokes... I"m sorry, I can't marry you because I didn't see fruit... that's you're problem, you didn't see fruit, etc.
Then, when I had to introduce myself at the end of the service, the pastor asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was married! I could see the guys side of the church leaning forward with anticipation. I was like, yeeaahh, hoping somehow it wouldn't compute. Then the pastor asked me if I wanted to marry a Ghanian! I suppose he was thinking that here was a young woman with a "marriage problem" and that God could answer my prayers there and then, but I didn't see it that way. I was like, maaybeeee, again trying to melt into the floor. With the help of the friend I had gone with, I managed to get out of that church without too many problems, and saw the humor of the situation later. I believe I told him that that was definitely the most memorable time I had been introduced to a church! Why is it that all my Ghana stories end with a marriage proposal? Oh yeah, because I got one every other minute!
Until today, I considered this story hilarious and loved telling it. My friends loved hearing about it too. However, today I was convicted. I always mentioned in the story that it's sad that these people actually take this sort of thing seriously, but I never went any further than that. But today I remembered that almost anyone, saved or unsaved, who goes to Ghana wants to visit a church service. African church services have a reputation for being incredibly lively and fun, and people like to go see them. Most of the people I was with wanted to go to one at some point during the trip, even though I was one of the only Christians there. I spoke with one girl who had gone to this particular church the week before I had. We were sharing stories about our experience, when the girl said that what horrified her was that those people actually believed that stuff. And I agreed with her. But today I realized that she wasn't just talking about wacky dream interpretations or using church as a matchmaking opportunity, she was talking about Christianity in general. It's highly likely that's the only church she's ever attended.
See, that church service wasn't funny at all. Ghanians have an incredible opportunity to draw unsaved tourists from all over the world into their midst and share with them the gospel. Instead, at least this one slanders God's name and makes Christianity into a joke for them. This isn't just some crazy belief, it's a serious problem.
This realization made me realize again that I might be the only Bible people will ever read. Every time I do anything, I"m representing Christ to them, and I want to give the an accurate representation. And I also realized that I need to pray for the Ghanian churches, that they would be convicted of the reality of Christ and be used by God to share that conviction with people from all over the world. Imagine revival starting from a tiny African country nobody's ever heard of!
The sermon was about "marriage problems," which I very quickly realized meant singleness. Considering that most of the people there were my age, I'm sure the topic was relevant, and considering they were all related, I'm sure it was a problem trying to find that perfect someone in church. However, the pastor had an interesting take on the matter. According to him, we were supposed to pray about the person we were interested in right before bed. Then if we went to bed and dreamt about that person, that was the devil trying to fool us into thinking God wanted us to marry them. But if we saw fruit in our dream, that meant our marriage would be fruitful! I'm sorry, I thought that was the most hilarious thing I'd ever heard. For the rest of the time in Ghana, I was making fruit jokes... I"m sorry, I can't marry you because I didn't see fruit... that's you're problem, you didn't see fruit, etc.
Then, when I had to introduce myself at the end of the service, the pastor asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was married! I could see the guys side of the church leaning forward with anticipation. I was like, yeeaahh, hoping somehow it wouldn't compute. Then the pastor asked me if I wanted to marry a Ghanian! I suppose he was thinking that here was a young woman with a "marriage problem" and that God could answer my prayers there and then, but I didn't see it that way. I was like, maaybeeee, again trying to melt into the floor. With the help of the friend I had gone with, I managed to get out of that church without too many problems, and saw the humor of the situation later. I believe I told him that that was definitely the most memorable time I had been introduced to a church! Why is it that all my Ghana stories end with a marriage proposal? Oh yeah, because I got one every other minute!
Until today, I considered this story hilarious and loved telling it. My friends loved hearing about it too. However, today I was convicted. I always mentioned in the story that it's sad that these people actually take this sort of thing seriously, but I never went any further than that. But today I remembered that almost anyone, saved or unsaved, who goes to Ghana wants to visit a church service. African church services have a reputation for being incredibly lively and fun, and people like to go see them. Most of the people I was with wanted to go to one at some point during the trip, even though I was one of the only Christians there. I spoke with one girl who had gone to this particular church the week before I had. We were sharing stories about our experience, when the girl said that what horrified her was that those people actually believed that stuff. And I agreed with her. But today I realized that she wasn't just talking about wacky dream interpretations or using church as a matchmaking opportunity, she was talking about Christianity in general. It's highly likely that's the only church she's ever attended.
See, that church service wasn't funny at all. Ghanians have an incredible opportunity to draw unsaved tourists from all over the world into their midst and share with them the gospel. Instead, at least this one slanders God's name and makes Christianity into a joke for them. This isn't just some crazy belief, it's a serious problem.
This realization made me realize again that I might be the only Bible people will ever read. Every time I do anything, I"m representing Christ to them, and I want to give the an accurate representation. And I also realized that I need to pray for the Ghanian churches, that they would be convicted of the reality of Christ and be used by God to share that conviction with people from all over the world. Imagine revival starting from a tiny African country nobody's ever heard of!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Fatherless
Each time I would care for the kids at the orphanage, I was struck again by how much these kids needed parents. Even if we cared for them the best way possible, there was no comparison between that and them being in an actual home with two people (or even one) dedicated to loving and caring for them. There was no way six of us could give about forty toddlers and babies the love and attention they needed. I would be happy when I saw a baby adopted, but my heart would break for the others - the ones who were older than babies and far less likely to be adopted, no matter how cute they were. The ones who had something wrong with them and had almost no chance of being taken into a home. I prayed that somehow God would give them a family.
But again, God had answered my prayer long before I prayed it. In fact, he answered my prayer when He was founding ancient Israel, when he showed He had a special heart for widows and... orphans. Psalm 68:5 says "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."
When children have no family, God steps in and becomes their family, which I think is a pretty awesome thought. Yes, in a world of artificial inseminations and everything else people do to conceive, it would be great if no child had to grow up in an orphanage. But while I pray for that I also pray that these children would find the love and attention they need in the arms of their heavenly father. No family can love them like He can.
But again, God had answered my prayer long before I prayed it. In fact, he answered my prayer when He was founding ancient Israel, when he showed He had a special heart for widows and... orphans. Psalm 68:5 says "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."
When children have no family, God steps in and becomes their family, which I think is a pretty awesome thought. Yes, in a world of artificial inseminations and everything else people do to conceive, it would be great if no child had to grow up in an orphanage. But while I pray for that I also pray that these children would find the love and attention they need in the arms of their heavenly father. No family can love them like He can.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Ado
It's hard not to think of Ado as my favorite. He was so cute, and often made himself more endearing by running down the sidewalk to greet me when he saw me coming. His facial expressions were to die for. When another kid was crying, the concerned look he would get was out-of-this-world adorable. And when he chased the chickens... You get the picture.
But Ado stays in my heart for another reason. Though he's only two, I watched his personality really come out during the time I was with him, and it wasn't as cute as his face. Ado would scream for water and not want to share, even when he wasn't thirsty anymore. He wanted to carry the water bag with him, just in case. He threw tantrums whenever he didn't get his way. And I don't blame him - I probably would have been the same way if I didn't know where my next meal was coming from and never felt loved. However, Ado showed me that my mission in life isn't to feed kids and change diapers. That's not enough. My mission is to show them the love of Jesus and hope they'll run into His arms. He's the only one who can truly satisfy them, no matter what their circumstance.
Yaw
Yaw is the sweetest little boy you'll ever meet. He never says a word. He is perfectly content to sit in my lap for the duration of my visit, though he never cries if I have to put him down. He is called Yaw because he came to the orphanage on Thursday and the people in charge weren't able to find out his name.
However, I think Yaw's story is the most tragic of all. When I first met Yaw, I did what I normally do with the children who might be able to talk. I ask them their name in every language I can (Twi, Ga, French, Russian, English) to see if they'll respond. Most don't - they've been too traumatized to talk. However, this little boy looked at me and said "Coco." That was his name, and it was so cute I forgot everything else. He never spoke again.
Then I got sick with something that wasn't malaria, though the doctors told me it was, and didn't go the orphanage for a week. When I got back, everyone was calling him Yaw. I decided I must have been thinking of another boy or something and began calling him Yaw as well. Then my last day there, someone told me he came from Togo, and my heart sank. The boy spoke French. Because I'd been sick and everything, I hadn't realized that he told his name to me when I asked him in French, a language no one else there spoke. He probably didn't talk because he didn't understand the language. I realized I was the only one who knew his real name.
I told some workers what had happened, but though they were sympathetic, they handled the situation as I expected they would. He was Yaw now - let's not confuse him further. And he has to learn the language. But imagine losing everything and everyone around you, going to a place where you don't understand anything, and no one even knows your name.
God knows his name.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Greater than These
One night at church someone prayed and a simple phrase jumped out at me. She prayed that God would open "blind spiritual eyes." I remembered that my pastor had once said that all the miracles Jesus did had a deeper meaning, like God could open physical eyes, but also spiritual eyes. John 14:12 says "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." Suddenly, I realized that Jesus opened blind eyes, deaf ears, etc, but left His Spirit behind so that through Him we would open eyes to His glory and ears to His word. Though I'm not saying God doesn't heal physical ailments today, because He does, the greater miracle is when someone is introduced to the love of a Savior.
I was overcome when God showed me this, because I realized that God's definition of what was great and who was great was so different from mine. I wondered how many people God might have touched through me while I was off wondering when He would heal someone's physical body and thinking God wasn't moving. But God showed me an even greater truth about this concept tonight.
I was looking at the story of the ten lepers in Luke 17. The pastor asked why Jesus told the one who came back to thank Him that his faith had made him whole, when the other nine must have had some faith and were healed. I immediately thought of an answer, though I have looked at this story many times without ever being satisfied with the ending myself. I realized there was a difference between being healed, and being made whole. It turned out that this was exactly where the pastor was going!
I visited a leper colony in Ghana - it was one of the most terrible days of my life. What was so awful to me was not just the people I saw, but the fact that the people trying to help them honored all religions and didn't share the Gospel of Christ with them. It seemed like such a waste to me. Picturing these people now, I thought of how amazing it would be for them if God healed them. Then I realized that for a spiritual miracle to be even greater than a physical one, how amazing must it be to discover life in Christ! That's how great our God is, that receiving life back into decaying limbs is nothing compared to His love! Like C.S. Lewis says, we often ask for too little because we can't imagine the glory.
You know, it's scary to imagine that much glory!!! Our God is an awesome God, and may His spiritual miracles pour down from heaven.
I was overcome when God showed me this, because I realized that God's definition of what was great and who was great was so different from mine. I wondered how many people God might have touched through me while I was off wondering when He would heal someone's physical body and thinking God wasn't moving. But God showed me an even greater truth about this concept tonight.
I was looking at the story of the ten lepers in Luke 17. The pastor asked why Jesus told the one who came back to thank Him that his faith had made him whole, when the other nine must have had some faith and were healed. I immediately thought of an answer, though I have looked at this story many times without ever being satisfied with the ending myself. I realized there was a difference between being healed, and being made whole. It turned out that this was exactly where the pastor was going!
I visited a leper colony in Ghana - it was one of the most terrible days of my life. What was so awful to me was not just the people I saw, but the fact that the people trying to help them honored all religions and didn't share the Gospel of Christ with them. It seemed like such a waste to me. Picturing these people now, I thought of how amazing it would be for them if God healed them. Then I realized that for a spiritual miracle to be even greater than a physical one, how amazing must it be to discover life in Christ! That's how great our God is, that receiving life back into decaying limbs is nothing compared to His love! Like C.S. Lewis says, we often ask for too little because we can't imagine the glory.
You know, it's scary to imagine that much glory!!! Our God is an awesome God, and may His spiritual miracles pour down from heaven.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Dua Fe
On Thursday my pastor was talking about the Jesus and the fig tree from Mark 11. He talked about how a tree that was full of life would manifest the life within it with fruit. That fruit would then provide life and nourishment to all around it. All a tree does is stand there - anyone who wants what the tree has will come to it and partake.
This simple statement resonated with me on so many levels. For years it has been my prayer that I would be so full of the Holy Spirit that people could feel it without me having to do anything, like a tree that attracts people to it with its delicious fruit. Also, God has been showing me lately how much everything I do should be a manifestation of my relationship with Him - the life within me. Lastly, God has been reassuring me that I don't have to do anything but surrender myself fully to Him and his love. That love will automatically translate into a love for other people without my trying to be a super Christian and go looking for ways to serve Him. In the same way, a tree doesn't go chasing people down, working itself into the ground. A tree makes itself available and trusts that the right people will come to it. Then the tree gives of itself to them.
So my prayer since that day has been that I would be God's tree. It's been pretty rough for me because when I focus on my relationship with God instead of what I can do for Him, I lose all distractions and start to see what kind of person I really am. Funny - people talk about how we block God out with activity. I never thought we blocked out with Christian activity! Anyway, I was pretty broken yesterday, so I was just praying that God would help me fully submit to Him and make me into His tree, though it seemed an impossible task.
As I was praying, my hand moved to the shell hanging around my neck. I had found the shell in Cape Coast, one of the most beautiful beach resorts in Ghana. I began thinking about the shell and how much I had enjoyed collecting shells that day. Then I thought of the three Ghanian guys that had helped me. Suddenly I got the chills - one of those moments where God's awesomeness is so real you get chills. They had created a Twi nickname for me. They called me Dua Fe.
Dua Fe means beautiful tree.
This simple statement resonated with me on so many levels. For years it has been my prayer that I would be so full of the Holy Spirit that people could feel it without me having to do anything, like a tree that attracts people to it with its delicious fruit. Also, God has been showing me lately how much everything I do should be a manifestation of my relationship with Him - the life within me. Lastly, God has been reassuring me that I don't have to do anything but surrender myself fully to Him and his love. That love will automatically translate into a love for other people without my trying to be a super Christian and go looking for ways to serve Him. In the same way, a tree doesn't go chasing people down, working itself into the ground. A tree makes itself available and trusts that the right people will come to it. Then the tree gives of itself to them.
So my prayer since that day has been that I would be God's tree. It's been pretty rough for me because when I focus on my relationship with God instead of what I can do for Him, I lose all distractions and start to see what kind of person I really am. Funny - people talk about how we block God out with activity. I never thought we blocked out with Christian activity! Anyway, I was pretty broken yesterday, so I was just praying that God would help me fully submit to Him and make me into His tree, though it seemed an impossible task.
As I was praying, my hand moved to the shell hanging around my neck. I had found the shell in Cape Coast, one of the most beautiful beach resorts in Ghana. I began thinking about the shell and how much I had enjoyed collecting shells that day. Then I thought of the three Ghanian guys that had helped me. Suddenly I got the chills - one of those moments where God's awesomeness is so real you get chills. They had created a Twi nickname for me. They called me Dua Fe.
Dua Fe means beautiful tree.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Aquilla
This is Aquilla just after she woke up from her nap. She has a twin named Acoco. Aquilla's the sweet one, Acoco's the hyper one. Both of them loved to pull on my hair and watch me bend my neck in half... weird obsession!
What kills me about these girls is that they were called by the wrong names for the first week they were there. I come in one day, and the mothers tell me that they've just been told the right names and that Acoco's the one with earrings (they took Aquilla's out). Not only can I imagine that would be traumatic for a two-year-old, but I feel terrible about it. For some reason, I felt it important to make a special effort to call each child by their name. Doesn't really work if you're just emphasizing a tragic mistake! But they are beautiful girls and seemed to open up much more once the name thing was sorted out!
Isaac
This is Isaac. He was the first child I met. When I was being given a tour of the facilities, we started out at the nursery. Isaac was standing up in his crib reaching out to me when he walked by. I picked him up for a moment, and ended up carrying him for the rest of the tour because he cried when I put him down! Over the next months I watched him learn to walk, which was special. However, Isaac has HIV, which means if he doesn't get help soon he will soon become another statistic. All I can do is pray.
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