Standing

I was thinking - about two years ago God showed me Ephesians 6:13, which talks about having the full armor of God so I can "stand." I thought the point of that verse was that we don't have to go on the offensive but stand in defense. To someone exhausted from living a life that felt like climbing a glass wall, the thought of merely standing instead of continuing to climb was a great relief. Until now I've interpreted that verse as an order to merely obey no matter how I feel, and let the results come. I've done this by reading my Bible when I'm tired or praying when I feel like I'm talking to empty space. I thought it was a call to stick with things long-term, which is something my impatient and impulsive nature struggles with. I got through Ghana by telling myself to "stand" when I wanted to stay in bed instead of go to the orphanage. [That's where the poem "Stand" came from, though now that I reread it I realize that God was speaking to me through it, and I didn't understand it at all! Interesting.]
But now God is showing me that I've missed something. Ephesians 6:10 says to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." the whole passage talks about the tools God has given me to carry out His instructions - truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and His word. Notice that all these tools are things I can't do anything to acquire on my own. They all speak of God's character, something I can only understand by communing with Him. I need a revelation of His presence to allow Him to infuse me with this armor and help me use it.
When I put this concept together with my desire to be God's tree, things start to make more sense. God is calling me to a battle, but He's given me every tool I need to fight. All I need to do is to take advantage of them. If I allow myself to be broken before God, He will take the outdated and rusted weapons I'm trying to use and give me all of His power.
So where does the standing part come in? It sounds like God is giving me His power to attack with the knowledge that the outcome is sure. I think the problem is that though I acknowledge that I want to give everything to Him, it's hard to stay in that place. Any little thing happens, and I'm ready to take control again. I get impatient. I get nervous. I disagree with the way the battle's being fought. But the minute I try to take back some control, I lose the power.
I think standing doesn't mean obeying, because that's still trying to operate in my own strength. I think it has to do with resisting the attack of the enemy as he tells me my way is better. There's nothing more scary to the powers of darkness than a soul completely surrendered to Christ, because that's where I have the power to fight. To me, standing means constantly choosing to lie prostrate at the feet of the one standing for me, and not getting up no matter how I feel.
I never realized not doing anything could be so hard. But you know what? God even gives me the power to do that! Those weapons aren't just the power I need to fight for other people or the fate of the world. They contain the power I need to never get up.