He's there

It's been hard being back at work. For a while I was depressed and didn't know why. My whole tirade on being allowed to fail helped me deal with that problem, but I could tell something else was wrong. So often I felt alone, and no matter how much I prayed and read my Bible, I didn't feel like God was helping. But God was faithful (not as quickly as I wanted Him to be) and showed me what was going on. Turns out I had felt the same way in Ghana. I needed God, and He wasn't there. He didn't help me through the greatest trial of my life.
But you know what? In Ghana at least I had the excuse that I didn't try as hard to be with God as I should have. I stopped doing my devotions and praying regularly when times got rough. I blamed Him for not stopping kids from dying. But it's not that simple. True, I didn't feel God's support because I drifted, but I drifted because I didn't feel God's support. Truth is, I was mad at God for not supporting me the way I wanted to be supported. I begged Him to bring me strong Christian friends. He didn't do that. I begged Him to show me the hope in all the pain and emptiness around me. I never saw any. When He didn't do what I wanted, I got mad at Him and crumbled into despair. I still did what I knew I should do, but there was no joy. I felt alone.
Great revelation, but I didn't know how to deal with what God had just shown me. How do I make myself not feel alone when I feel alone? How do I make myself feel supported when I don't feel supported? The answer came quietly. God told me, "You looked around and didn't see Me. But the trouble was that you were looking around, and I was in you."
It's the same thing in Ghana that it is now. If I go into work hoping to feel God there, I will be disappointed. If I need to see a life changed every day to know God is there, I'll always feel hopeless. If I need strong Christians constantly around me to feel supported, I'm going to feel alone. But I've been looking for God in the earthquake, whirlwind, and fire, when He's never been there. He's in the still small voice that lives in me.
He's always been there, and He will never leave me. You know what's even better? The more I wrap my head around this concept, the more I realize that His voice is all I've ever wanted, and all I'll ever need!